Fly on the wall

Sometimes in life we lay there and wonder....am I that fly on the wall or am I the wall with the fly on me? These days I wonder myself. I tried, I lost, I tried, then lost. Five times to be exact. So if I am the wall, then there is allot of people who have walked over me. So again the question is...am i that fly or am i the wall that the fly has landed on? I am in fact the wall. The world has taken so much for me, but in will not give me anything in return.

We go through this life with this attitude that people are going to change. But we are all alike. We will not or can not change who we are. This instinct to be another person has crowded some of our judgements about others that we no longer realize the depth in which we have our own thoughts. The thoughts that render inside of us and want to come out but cant because we are afraid that it will attack like some kind of virus on the ones in which we thought we loved. Who are we to try and understand the animal instincts in which we were born with but can not change. There are two different kind of animals in the world. Whether human or the growling canine in the back yard. The two in which I speak of is the animals who feed off the weakness of our souls then spit us out like demons from another realm. Then there are the animals who are try to go through this world to find their partner but sometimes do not succeed because they are the wall in which they get walked over. I am this animal. I do not know if I will find my partner. I believe that I have. But who is to say that my belief is the right one. Hell, I had believed in life but every night gets taken away from me in the 5 minutes of pain and stiffness of my body. I can say that life is not a mistake. It is a mere image of the destiny that we choose. I have chosen life every time that I fight for mine. My heart stops for 5 minutes every night for 20 odd years. So, why do I keep fighting to stay alive? Because of the animal instinct that bears in between the hell and the water of my soul. I do not know what I am living for. I have not found out the answer. The question remains. Have you ever heard as the crickets chirp? Sounds funny to most. But do you know that they can tell the future?They can tell the temperature by all degrees. Would it be something if we could tell our future? We can by the dreams that crawl into our minds at night. For instance, I had a dream that I was in the woods. My body numb in the process. One of my night spells. In the woods lye's a path. In this path the misty night but half day. As I walked along the path, I see three bodies hanging in sequence on a clothes line. A man who has no face nor any name is somewhere in the woods but close by the house. There is a woman that is inside of the house. One side of the house has a door in which is open but is not passable. Like something is blocking me from entering. I stand there and a picture of the inside of the house enters my mind. I can see everything that she sees. The pain and the anger that she has endured throughout the years. She then says to me while standing outside of the door, "it is no use, run while you have the chance" Was this to say that the woman was me and the man was Keith. Run! Sometimes the future comes to us in ways in which we do not pay attention. I paid attention to this dream but was not able to break its path. It was too late. She had went through the pain that I have since I was 16 years old. One after another heart getting broken. Where do we say that it is enough? When do we say that we have to live without pleasing others? So are you the fly on the wall or the wall in which fly lands?

My persona of the world has changed. I use to not have guards up. When your heart gets ripped out of your chest, then the guard must come up. Show me a man that cares enough to glue me back together and I will show you a man who will try not to stop breathing?


Joel

new days

The days have come for me to now move on and find someone who will care for me like I need them too. I am now with a man who gives me everything that I need. I am not talking about material things but things that only the heart desires. I love him with all my heart. He proposed to me the other night...and the answer of course was yes. Some say that I am rushing into this but I knew him for a year and a half. He treats me as if I am his everything. He knows that he is my everything as well. I love him with every tensions in my heart.

When I decided that I wanted to move to a better place where I can be gay, everyone said that I was crazy. I live in Rogersville until this weekend. I am afraid that when I walk down the street, that I would get shot. I am gay; that town has all rednecks who hate gays. I am surprised that I have survived this long. I am now going to be living in Knoxville with my baby.

I am sorry that the picture is small, but I am going to be getting one bigger than that soon. I will post it soon. Love you guys.

Kevin Lovin